Jeremy Feist writes stuff

(Before anyone says it: Yes, I know The Editing Room has been doing this forever, but since getting a script on that site is a borderline sisyphean task, I’m just going to post it here, because honestly, what else am I going to put here? Thoughts and opinions? HA!)

(EXT: Massive enchanted kingdom.)

KING: Man, it totally sucks that my wife died. And that my kingdom is being attacked by knights who are made entirely out of dominoes. Seriously, those are dominoes, right?

(The KING and his men attack the knights, who basically just stand perfectly still as the KING and his army wreck their shit. As the last of the human-domino-conglomerates falls, the KING checks a remaining wagon and discovers CHARLIZE THERON.)

KING: Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my kingdom, so marry me maybe?

CHARLIZE THERON: ‘Kay.

(INT: CASTLE. The KING and CHARLIZE THERON immediately get married and start fucking.)

CHARLIZE: I hope you don’t mind, but now that we’re married, I’m just going to start telling you about how I married a bunch of other kings, murdered them, and stole their kingdoms.

KING: What’s that? I was too busy putting my face between your boobs and making motorboat noises. Red-flag away. *PBBBBBBBBBBT*.

CHARLIZE: Wow, thanks for making this regicide so much easier.

KING: *PBBBBBBBBBBT*. Sorry, you’re going to have to speak up, I can’t hear anything over the sound of your boo- (CHARLIZE stabs him.) Fuck.

(The KING DIES, and his daughter KRISTEN STEWART sees the whole thing. CHARLIZE THERON immediately locks her away in the castle because apparently she takes Feng Shui advice from Damocles.)

(INT: CASTLE, YEARS LATER. KRISTEN STEWART is now legal and CHARLIZE THERON is still ruling the kingdom by sucking the youth out of young girls. She consults her magic mirror to fish for compliments.)

CHARLIZE: Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

(THE MIRROR melts and turns into a shiny cloaked human being.)

CHARLIZE: BAD ASS.

THE MIRROR: SO BAD ASS.

CHARLIZE: Anyway, tell me I’m the prettiest.

THE MIRROR: Sorry, but now that Kristen Stewart is old enough to fuck without it being illegal, she’s now the prettiest.

CHARLIZE: Wait, seriously? Look, Kristen is an attractive young woman and all, but Jesus… I’m Charlize Theron. There is no way Kristen Stewart is prettier than I am.

THE MIRROR: Well, she-

CHARLIZE: This better not be some bullshit about how she’s pretty on the inside.

THE MIRROR: She has a wonderful heart.

CHARLIZE: That’s what girls tell boys to try and make them bang their less pretty friends.

THE MIRROR: Well, if you eat her heart, you’ll stay young forever.

CHARLIZE: Why didn’t you just say so? GUARDS!

(INT: KRISTEN’S CELL. Kristen is visited by a bunch of adorable little birds.)

KRISTEN: Oh fantastic, woodland creatures. What are you going to do, sing me out of this jail cell?

BIRDS: Actually, we brought you this prison shiv.

KRISTEN: SO FUCKING SWEET.

(KRISTEN uses the prison shiv to stab an ALBINO RAPIST and escape into the forest, where she immediately stumbles into LSD MUSHROOMS and TOTALLY TRIPS BALLS.)

(INT: CASTLE. CHARLIZE THERON yells at her brother, the ALBINO RAPIST.)

CHARLIZE: Goddammit you suck. Seriously, Kristen Stewart was locked in a cell for six years and was fed nothing but air and spiders. How in the hell did she kick your ass?

ALBINO RAPIST: She was armed with tiny birds and slightly-bent nails! She’s a menace!

CHARLIZE: Well, you’re useless. We might as well get someone who can take the cock out of their mouths for long enough to not get beat by a little girl.

(EXT: Courtyard. CHRIS HEMSWORTH is shit-faced drunk and fighting.)

CHRIS: Hey, remember how awesome I was in Thor? Get ready to watch me completely blow that all away in about thirty seconds.

(CHRIS HEMSWORTH gets his ass kicked in a bar fight that ends when he — I swear to God — punches a horse in the asshole and it kicks him into a manger. CHARLIZE THERON brings him to the CASTLE.)

CHARLIZE: Wow, I haven’t seen someone drunkenly squander their reputation that fast since Lindsay Lohan hit a baby with her car. Anyway, since you’re the only person who survived the LSD woods, we need you to find Kristen Stewart.

CHRIS: And if I do?

CHARLIZE: I don’t know, I’ll bring your wife back from the dead I guess. Honestly, I’m dressed head-to-toe in raven feathers and hatred. There’s no way in hell I won’t try and kill you.

CHRIS: Normally, I’d pick up on this, but I’m drunk and sad, so I’ll do it.

(EXT: WOODS. KRISTEN STEWART is still TOTALLY TRIPPING BALLS, so CHRIS HEMSWORTH and ALBINO RAPIST find her in all of thirty seconds.)

CHRIS: All right, there she is. Give me my wife now.

ALBINO RAPIST: HA! Holy shit, you believed that? I look like the ghost of a sex crime and my sister eats the souls of little girls, what made you think we’d hold up our end of the deal?

CHRIS: And what made you think telling me all that when I have Kristen Stewart was a good idea?

ALBINO: Shit.

(CHRIS shoves ALBINO RAPIST into the LSD MUSHROOMS and he runs off with KRISTEN STEWART.)

KRISTEN: Sooooo… The evil queen wants us dead, and we really do not have any sort of game plan here. Now what, Thor?

CHRIS: I don’t know, I kinda figured if we wandered around, eventually a plot device would show up.

(All of a sudden, a GIANT TROLL appears.)

CHRIS: That’ll do.

(The GIANT TROLL kicks CHRIS’ ass, until KRISTEN eye-fucks it and it goes away for the rest of the movie.)

CHRIS: Remember kids: If something is trying to kill you, shooting it bedroom eyes is your best defense.

KRISTEN: BOOM! Strong female protagonist. Now, since that didn’t further the plot in any way, let’s just stumble around a little more until we find something that isn’t just computer generated filler.

(KRISTEN and CHRIS awkwardly stumble through about THREE MORE RED HERRINGS before they meet the SEVEN DWARVES, none of whom are actually played by little people.)

LITTLE PEOPLE OF AMERICA: No, we’re totally cool with this. Why rob the movie of the star power that is BOB HOSKINS?

KRISTEN: Oh, sweet, characters who from the actual fairy tale. Want to team up to help us fight CHARLIZE THERON?

BOB: Sure. Want to jarringly shift tones from gritty realism to adorable pixie wonderland?

CHRIS: Sure thing.

(The SEVEN DWARVES join KRISTEN and CHRIS and escape CHARLIZE THERON’s army by jumping into…)

(EXT: THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA.)

KRISTEN: Oh, well this isn’t so bad. I mean yes, most of what we’ve seen so far was only tenuously connected to the plot, but at least it’s been fun to watch.

CHRIS: Speaking of, I think it’s about time you went and touched DEER GOD for no real discernible reason.

(SHE DOES. It doesn’t have any real bearing on the plot, but EVERYONE PRETENDS IT DOES until someone shoots DEER GOD for no reason other than someone thought it would be totally cool to watch a deer turn into a million butterflies. THEY WERE RIGHT.)

KRISTEN: Well that sucked. Let’s never discuss this again.

(All of a sudden, KRISTEN’s childhood friend shows up and CHRIS kills ALBINO RAPIST by impaling him on a broken tree. This is so awesome that CHARLIZE THERON has a violent orgasm.)

AUDIENCE: FINALLY.

SAM CLAFLIN: That was kinda cool, but not as cool as me trying to reconnect with KRISTEN STEWART, my long-lost childhood friend!

KRISTEN: Wait, shit, are you kidding me? Did the writers of this movie just awkwardly shoehorn in another male character for the sake of creating some bullshit love-triangle? Fuck this. Do you think Harry Potter was trying to choose between two girls while he was fighting Voldemort? Was Luke Skywalker debating between fucking his sister or the only other woman in Star Wars? NO. Because the protagonist has more important things to deal with than petty high school crushes. Like not having my heart ripped out and eaten by CHARLIZE THERON.

CHARLIZE (Disguised as SAM): Hey, that’s great. Eat his apple.

KRISTEN: Well, I am a little tired after that soap box. (Eats the apple.) Oh, wait, wasn’t Snow White poisoned by one of these? Crap. (DIES.)

CHARLIZE: Serves you right for not reading the source material.

(CHRIS and SAM find KRISTEN dead.)

SAM: Well, there goes one of the title characters. Quick! Let’s kill CHARLIZE.

(CHRIS and SAM try to stab CHARLIZE THERON to death, but she turns into A THOUSAND RAVENS and it’s fucking sweet.)

CHRIS: (Stabbing birds.) I’M CUMMING IN MY PANTS.

SAM: (Stabbing birds.) ME TOO.

(Most of the birds escape, and the dog from DUCK HUNT laughs at them.)

SAM: Man, I’m so sad that Kristen is dead that I’m just going to make out with her a bit. That’s not weird at all. (SAM kisses KRISTEN’s lifeless body and nothing happens.) Well, I tried. (Leaves.)

CHRIS: Since it seems you’re really dead, I’m going to sob exposition at you about my dead wife and kiss you too. Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that the only time Kristen Stewart gets any action in her movies is when either she or her partner are dead? (Kisses KRISTEN STEWART and suddenly she wakes up.)

KRISTEN: Oh look, I’m not dead anymore. I’m assuming that love triangle just resolved itself?

CHRIS: Yup.

KRISTEN: Fantastic. Well, let’s go fight a massive war.

(INT/EXT: CASTLE. KRISTEN STEWART suits up in a full-suit of armor which, despite what video games say, does not require her to show off her boobs. CHARLIZE THERON meanwhile replenishes her beauty by sucking the souls out of every other female character in the movie, because apparently she’s never heard the term “point of diminishing returns” before. Guess which one of them is going to die?)

CHARLIZE: Totally worth it.

(EXT: CASTLE. KRISTEN, CHRIS and SAM as well as VARIOUS OTHER PEOPLE WE’VE NEVER MET BEFORE storm the castle. Arrows are shot and bombs go off and people die and it’s GODDAMN CRAZY.)

KRISTEN: Fuck, this is so boss.

(Eventually, Kristen and her troops make it up to CHARLIZE’s room. KRISTEN and CHARLIZE fight while beings made of tiny black daggers KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING.)

RANDOM SOLDIER: I know I’m dying and all, but honestly, this is so sweet. If I had to be violently slaughtered, I’m glad it was like this.

KRISTEN: Is everyone and everything in this movie just made of thousands of tiny things? Seriously, we had deers made of butterflies, guards made of knives and dominoes, CHARLIZE THERON is made out of birds… Am I actually three disinterested babies in a people-suit?

CHARLIZE: No, I don’t think that’s how it works. Now hold still while I bitch-slap you around the room.

KRISTEN: No thanks. (STABS CHARLIZE IN THE HEART.)

CHARLIZE: No! My magic is being undone by someone of pure blood! Or something. Honestly, the scene about how I gained my powers and how I could lose them was sort of glazed over really quickly, so this whole denouement didn’t really make that much sense.

KRISTEN: But at least it was fun to look at.

CHARLIZE: You’re right, it was. Anyway, I’m dead now. (CHARLIZE ages into dust.)

(INT: Throne room. KRISTEN is named the new Queen of the Kingdom and CHRIS gets jackshit.)

CHRIS: Seriously, not even a muffin basket? My love for you saved your life, and by proxy, the kingdom!

KRISTEN: Well, considering that the last time the ruler of this kingdom got quickie-married he was brutally stabbed mid-coitus, I think I’ll pass. I’ll fuck you during the end-credits though.

CHRIS: Yeah, I’ll take it.

(HE DOES. THE END.)